I'm not sure what I should look like. I have met a very small number of other people who look like me in a way I can appreciate - a thick-browed, round-faced, dark-haired girl in high school who was also Hungarian, a handful of vaguely Eastern European people who understand that body hair struggle. It's often an afterthought, and never have I encountered someone who shares an ethnic lineage with me that considers it an enormous part of their own identity. There is no real instant camaraderie with people who are similar mutts. I don't even have a source in America: I can't identify as "midwestern" or "Californian" wholly, because neither do my upbringing or temperament justice. No one can place my accent until I've explained my migration patterns. In New York, people constantly ask "where are you from?" and I can never give a straight forward or, perhaps more importantly, proud answer. It always starts off with "lots of places," and moves backward from where I am now, but whether the asker responds with "you seemed Californian," "I can tell you're from the midwest," or "did you grow up speaking Hungarian?" I am unsatisfied and feel I've led them on.
A few years ago I stayed up all night looking through online art museum archives to see if I could find a historical portrait that looked like me. Nothing came close, despite the fact that I'm one of those soft-bodied, full-faced girls that are told, almost certainly as a euphemism, that I look like someone from a classical portrait. But what kind? Where am I supposed to look to find an animal with whom I can physically identify? Do I have a culture? Am I doomed to subscribe to the popular Caucasian cultural tropes, just keep buying cheap shit at Forever 21 and regurgitating images on Pinterest and wishing it was okay to just pretend to be Latina, just look at all my neighbors and wonder if they'd ever let me join their families, leech off a part of their very real identities to fill this blankness in my own?
Is this why there are so many white Juggalos?